You Teach People How To Treat You.
We are constantly faced with conflict in our relationships. Sometimes the conflicts are larger sometimes they are smaller and seemingly insignificant. How we handle conflict gives our partners, friends, and family insight into the standards we hold for ourselves and the treatment we expect. What we do and do not tolerate, where the bar lies. We can either adopt people-pleasing behavior, not rock the boat, or initiate confrontation, which may seem more convenient at the time. However, this isn’t exactly smart for the long game.
You teach people how to treat you. This means that when conflict arises, we respond authentically and in line with who we are and what we expect of ourselves and the people in our lives. It means we remain honest in our relationships, and if we don’t like something, we vocalize it and we confront it like the men and women we are. It means we speak up when something feels off, when someone says something to us that we don’t appreciate or treats us in a manner that we don’t accept, that does not sit well with us. It means we take care of ourselves first.
I’ve fallen into codependent patterns time and time again. What I learned from this is that the more I sacrificed my own needs for the comfort of others, the less comfortable I became with myself, and the less rich the relationship became. The more we compromise ourselves, the more we compromise our relationships. We need our relationships to connect. We are human- we need connection. The less authentic our connections are, the more alone we become, as we become less connected to others and to ourselves.
It is okay to have high standards. It is okay to demand positive treatment from the people we love, who are supposed to love us too. It is okay to confront an issue and not have it sit under the surface, marinate, and fester for the sake of immediate gratification or comfort. It is okay to be honest with ourselves and with the people we engage with in a relationship. And frankly, if anybody feels they can’t be honest in a relationship, that relationship should be examined because there is a deeper issue at hand.
You teach people how to treat you. You show people where your bar is, where your standard lies, based on how you treat yourself and on the behavior you accept and do not accept. This has been one of the most vital lessons in my adult life. That *I* am responsible for navigating my own treatment. That *I* am in control of this. And sometimes, yes, it means that certain people as a whole will not be accepted into your life because some individuals will never treat you the way you deserve to be treated. This is okay. This is healthy. This is growth.
We are in control of our relationships. This is radical because it means we are not ever the victim. Ever. Things don’t ever happen to us. We either allow them to happen or we do not. And we have to take accountability and ask ourselves, in moments of indiscretion, what actions we took to contribute to the problem. What have we shown in our mirror? Every relationship is a mirror. What have we shown ourselves in our mirrors that has led to this indiscretion? Has it been insecurity? Has it been people-pleasing? Has it been codependency? Not communicating our needs?
We constantly have to refocus our attention back to ourselves and ask ourselves what part we played, what the situation is trying to teach us about ourselves. And the more we do this, the more liberated we become, because the more authentically we live, the less we conceal, the more at peace we have within, and the more harmonious our relationships become, as everyone is on the same page. Everyone knows where the bar is, and everyone is meeting it because those who are not meeting it have no place in our lives. We cannot control other people; we can only control ourselves. You teach people how to treat you.
We often project, especially the empaths, the highly sensitive people- we project and think that everyone feels the way we feel, the depths of it, the magnitude of our empathy. This is not true. The majority of people do not, and a considerable number are more self-serving than not. Not everyone has high integrity. Not everyone has a pure heart. Not everyone has a golden moral compass. No. It is up to us to radiate that outward from ourselves, and if we have high integrity and demand it of others, we speak up when there is indiscretion, because if we don’t, nobody else will.
Nobody is going to advocate for you. We stand up for ourselves, and the more we do this, the more we show people how to treat us. The more people meet us in that place, the more peace we have, and the more enriching and authentic relationships we engage in. We are so afraid of conflict, of pain, of things that don’t feel good immediately. Oftentimes, the richest fruit bears from the deepest pain and the hardest conflict. Yes, it's scary at first, but you’re fighting for yourself. What sweeter battle? Don’t ever be afraid to stand up for yourself. To raise that bar. To speak up when people are not meeting you there. Because the consequence of doing otherwise is that you will not be at peace.
We must be at peace to be in our power, centered, focused, connected to ourselves and to others. We must not fear pain, conflict, temporary suffering, or being honest about people and relationships as they truly are. Pulling off the veil of lies we have convinced ourselves of, or the filter that we choose to see them through. We cannot be afraid of this. The more we live in truth, the more powerful we become. The more healed we become. The more alignment we achieve. The more we master ourselves. Stay in your truth. Stay in your integrity. Stay in your honesty. Live without fear, and never be afraid to teach other people who you are and how to treat you.
This piece was originally featured in a July 1, 2019 post on Instagram.
